Over the past couple of weeks, we've been getting very helpful advice and information from our adoption agency and other couples who have already adopted. One of the things they prepare you for is what to expect from your child when you receive them. It's a different ball game to get an older child from an orphanage vs. raising a biological child from birth. I've pasted some info below about some of the grieving stages the child goes through. This will help you understand some of things we will experience and for those of you at home, why our child might act a certain way or why we need to do things differently than other new moms. It's a lengthy but interesting article so when you have a few spare moments, take some time to read through it. Love Don & Denise
MEETING YOUR CHILD AND ADVICE FOR A SMOOTH ADJUSTMENT
• Meeting your child is a moment you have been looking forward to for months now. You may have a picture in your mind of how this meeting will be and may be disappointed when this precious moment does not exactly meet up to your dreams.
• Be prepared for your child to be hesitant to come to you on the first meeting. Remember you are a stranger to your child--he/she is not use to you and may even be afraid to come to you.
• Your child may have formed an attachment to his/her caregiver. Your child will not be able to understand the miracle of becoming a part of your family and may experience loss or grief at leaving the people and surroundings he/she is accustomed to. This grieving may take only a few days to get over or in rare cases longer. This is normal; be patient and loving.
• Bubbles, candy in your pockets, and small toys can often give your child a positive image of you, lessening their fear of you, and easing a tense moment. These items can often give a needed diversion to months of long awaited expectations or awkward moments. Word to the wise: GO SLOW! Take your cues from your child!
• Many of the things your child will experience with you are completely new to him/her. He or she may burst into tears at any given time. Just be as loving as possible. You may feel you are prepared for this, but don’t be surprised if you experience some feelings of rejection if your child seems to prefer someone else besides you. Most children will feel loved and secure with their adoptive parents very soon and will quickly begin forming a love and trust for you and your family.
• Adjustment is normal and no one will judge your capabilities as a parent by how quickly the child bonds with you. The time you spend in China with your child will be a time of adjustment for you and your child. There may be times you feel unequipped to handle some of these adjustments.
• For the older child, give them their backpack and just a few small toys. (You may want to give them their toys over several days, so as not to overwhelm them.) DO NOT ever try to take this away from your child. Remember, they may have never had their own possessions! They may not even let you take off their coat for a while! Give them time & they’ll learn they are not going to lose it! No need for power struggles, just try to put yourself in their place.
• Try to introduce new things gradually to your child. Any new foods should be introduced slowly. Realize that this may be hard for your child. Do not force feed your child at any time. Do not be concerned if they skip a few meals. Their eating schedules may be irregular at first, but will soon become routine. If you feel your child is not eating
enough when you return home, you can ask your doctor about it. (However, the reverse is true with most children! You may be concerned they are eating too much; they may never have gotten full in their lives, or they may think that this is the only meal of the day. Don’t worry, this too shall pass!)
• The child may favor one parent at first, remember this is temporary. You might try having the spouse with whom the baby is more comfortable hold her while the other feeds her during meals.
• Crying is good. Crying lets you know when your child is hungry, tired or needs a diaper change.
• Don’t be concerned if your child cries. Crying is a way for the child to release some of their grief and loss. It also can help you know when your child is hungry, needs to be changed or is tired. Many children will stop crying if you simply go outside or into another room. If weather allows, take your child outside for walks and let them get some
fresh air. If your child cries, hold them and let them know they are safe with you.
• Go with the child’s schedule. Put the priority on letting the child feel safe and secure. Change your child’s schedule after she has adjusted to you.
• You may notice a blue-ish mark on the child’s lower backside, ankle or arm. Don’t be alarmed - this is a birthmark called a Mongolian Spot. Most Asian, Hispanic and Black children are born with this birthmark and it will fade as the child gets older. The spots are purely cosmetic and have no impact on the child’s health or well-being.
• You will be given information on your child’s ”Potty Schedule”. If you put your child on the toilet at these times and make a ”Shhhhh” sound your child will urinate and poop in the toilet. This is hard for American’s to believe, but most of the Chinese children are ”potty trained” by the time they are six months of age. If the child is not put on the toilet on his/her “poop” schedule, he/she will probably become constipated and suffer discomfort. After time the child will regress, so be prepared.
• Patience. Don’t worry. Relax. It will be allright. For the next 2-3 days, you will have a chance to get used to your child - and he/she to you. You will have two appointments during this time - registration and notary work with Chinese government officials. You will also get a chance to do some sightseeing, shopping, and getting immersed in one of
the world’s great cultures.
The following article was written by Marianne Adams, Director of our Arizona Branch Office, for her families that were preparing for their travel. We thought it was a wonderful article and would like to share it with you.
GRIEVING
Recently I have had a couple of moms call me from China because they were concerned with the behavior of their child. In both cases their child was grieving (both toddlers). I was kind of surprised that the parents didn't recognize it for what it was because in both families this was their 2nd adopted child, they had friends whose child went through this, they are active members of FCC, have read many books on the topic, attended many picnics, and had many friends who adopted. It made me realize that I need to summarize what you could/might expect from your kids.
Your child looks like they are in VERY good shape. That means that they are probably getting VERY good care, and it also means that they are probably attached to a special A Yi (nanny) at the orphanage. The more your child is attached to the caregiver, the more likely that he/she will give you a hard time. Below are the steps that your child may go through while grieving. The older the child is the harder he/she might grieve. The child may do it only in China. They may do it only in U.S. and they may grieve in both countries.
FIRST STAGE --ZOMBIE STAGE---This stage scares parents because they think the child could be retarded. The child just stares over you and through you. He/she may not react to noise as if he/she might have a hearing problem. He/she may or may not eat or take a bottle when in this stage. You may put the child to bed and he/she stares up at the ceiling and never moves. He/she looks like a frozen little robot. The child does not usually want to be touched or held. This first stage might go on for 3-4 days, this Zombie stage can last for one hour up to three or four times daily, or it can go on for hours and hours on end. By day four it is usually happening occasionally off and on through out the day, but only lasts for a few minutes each time it happens. After 3-4 days all of a sudden she wakes up from a nap or bedtime, notices who you are and screams bloody murder. Next Stage!!
SECOND STAGE--uncontrollable crying--- This stage is what most of you would expect for grieving. The crying is just like an adult would cry who lost a loved one. This is your opportunity to be there for her so that she can bond to you. This stage can last from a few hours total ---all done--, or a few hours a day, or a few hours a day for three-fours days. After this stage you will usually start to see the child needing you more, and a few smiles peak through. You might see some of the childís true personality at this point. Hold her/him as much as possible during this stage. The crying can get to you after awhile, but it is important that you be there to start that bonding (her with you). Leah (Marianne's daughter) cried for hours and hours during this stage for about 2.5 days. It didn't happen until we got back to the states.
THIRD STAGE--This is the stage that concerns everyone. Parents think that the child is emotionally disturbed. If the child is in this stage he/she is feeling rage. There will be frequent temper tantrums. The tantrums can last one-four hours and often do. It usually happens more with the toddlers. Again, be there for the child, distract the child. They get upset over the smallest thing in this stage. It can be because it is time to leave the hotel, you turned off the TV etc. Most of the time you won't even know what sparked it--the child won't either. The child is just feeling ---how dare you take me away from everything I know, and everyone I love. How dare you think that I would be better off with you. At that point the child gets very stubborn because he/she wants control of their life. This stage will usually last 2-3 days off and on in China, and it often comes and goes for a few weeks when you are back to the U.S. Again this is a stage that usually-but not always- happens with 18 month-4 year olds. In this stage it is important that you be firm about what is and isn't appropriate behavior even if they are grieving. In other words no matter how sad, it is not appropriate to bite, kick, or spit. Make eye contact with the child and say NO. You may feel uncomfortable doing this in front of Chinese people, but if you let it go over the two weeks it will be harder to get straightened out when you get home. If you can't get the child straightened out during this rage, then go to your hotel room unless you are at an appointment. Those of us (me included) who tried to be understanding and let that behavior go until we reached the U.S. wished we hadn't later.
Your child may experience all of these feelings or only one or two. The kids under one year of age usually experience #2 stage. The toddlers usually experience all three stages. The toddlers are apt to have the rage stage for 3-4 weeks after they get to the U.S. It is normal and believe it or not, it is good! It means that they loved someone and miss that person. That means that they will eventually love you. I have had some kids experience stage #2 after being home two-three months.
Another thing is, it will often take the kids awhile to trust you. Why should they? The orphanage who they trusted dumped them with you and they trusted that director for months-maybe years. So if they don't trust you they don't want you to be out of their sight because maybe you will dump them also. This usually happens after they get back to the U.S. Where you will probably see this lack of trust the most is during naps and when you are around other Asian people.
It can be so complicated --can't it?? But your child will be such a blessing and worth every bit of fear and frustration you will be feeling over the next few weeks.
I don't mean to scare you. I think it is scarier if you don't know what is going on. Also, if your child does not experience any of these stages, that does not mean we have a problem either. The younger the baby the less apt you are to pick up on it. He/she could be sleeping a lot to escape her/his grief.
Marianne Adams
Arizona Branch Director
